Bipolar Chik

Not working

2009-04-23T06:04:00.000-07:00

Trazodone still not working. I see my therapist today so hopefully she will talk with the psychiatrist to change the dose. I woke up before 6 AM this morning.

I feel tired, but in that awake kind of mode. I really don't want to crash so I need real sleep soon, even though I do enjoy the productivity of the early morning rise.

I've been taking my meds earlier in the evening so I have dinner on my stomach. That has greatly reduced incidents of nighttime heartburn. I tried crackers, even bread, but that didn't work. The only problem is getting home after we eat dinner out. I'm not doing a good job of taking the meds with me when I go out to eat.

Well, off to work. I'm like a zombie, but a chipper zombie.

Morning Dawns

2009-04-22T04:46:00.000-07:00

I think the title of this post is a pun. Even if not, I personally find it very amusing.

I woke up at 6:00 AM and finally got up at 6:30. I don't think the Trazadone is working. I took it a bit early last night to see if I would get drowsy and it never happened. When I went to bed at 11:00 PM, I was wide awake. No idea what time I drifted off.

This morning, I woke at 6 and had an immediate surge of adrenaline course through me. I knew sleep would not come back. So I got up and made coffee. My doctor wants me to cut out coffee, but it seems to sooth me in the morning. I don't drink it after noon and typically don't drink caffeine after lunch either.

I have that out of body sensation of things making sense to me, but not sure I am actually writing or speaking coherently. This is the part where hypomania begins to turn the corner into the bitchy, irritable, lost feeling. Dread sets in and I get so overwhelmed with downtime that I become paralyzed. I'm hoping the higher dosage of Lamictal and a morning Klonopin will help tap that down.

I have a meeting today. Pulling myself together for that will exhaust me for the afternoon. I need to pick up an appliance for work so I may cut out early and focus on the shopping. Having structure makes me feel secure. I think that's why I work so late (in addition to the love of accomplishing something) -- evenings have so much down time.

Introductions

2009-04-21T18:48:00.000-07:00

Living with bipolar disorder is hard to wax poetic about. That's not even a grammatically correct sentence with which to begin this blog.

I am hypomanic tonight. Bipolar Type II. My mind is racing faster than I can possibly type. I'm agitated, irritable and feeling an incredible high from the most mundane task. Sorting the papers accumulated on my desk over the past several months was exhilerating. I actually left a meeting early so I could get back to my task. Then I stayed about 30 minutes too late because I needed to -- NEEDED TO -- create a form in Word. It was essential.

This afternoon I was in the drive thru at Wendy's contemplating a career change to truck driving all because of the improper way a large vehicle back out of a space. I am an excellent backer outer and it must pay better than social work, right?

So here's the backstory. Diagnosed with depression in 1994 and put on Prozac. Spent a year and half growing increasingly manic, hit rock bottom very hard when a nasty breakup landed me in the hospital, and then received the appropriate diagnosis. Well, I didn't learn about the Type II for several years. Still, I went onto the right meds and pulled it together enough to get through graduate school.

I spiraled downward into a dark place, lost my job because I was incapable of asking for help and sunk deeper without health insurance and the appropriate medication. I made horrible choices and ended up in deep debt.

Remeron and Depakote didn't work. I briefly went onto Topamax which reduced my cognitive functioning -- I simply could not think and I am hard wired to think. Looking back, I may have jumped too quickly on that med as it probably just slowed my thinking down to a normal level.

Fast forward and I ended up on Lamictal. It worked for awhile and then it did not. I experienced a series of mixed states over the course of a year. I finally broke down and agreed to take Lithium which helped for awhile and then it did not. I have not been well for over a year although I am functioning somewhat.

I have a new psychiatrist who specialized in women's mental health. She tweeked my meds a bit so I am now on Lamictal, Lithium, Trazadone and Klonopin. The Trazadone is supposed to help with my sleep. It doesn't seem to be working although I am a tad drowsy.

Blah, blah, blah. I started this blog because I'd like to write about my illness, but I have internalized the stigma of mental illness and struggle with coming out.